“Cremation Speech” by Brutus

Students! Faculty!! Country Men !!!
Don’t lend me your contributions.
I come here to bury Efflux,
Not to praise it.

The evil that women do,
Lives in the memory.
The good is often interred
Along with their past issue(s).

So let it be with Efflux.
The noble committee hath told you
That the issue was too ambitious
As it was so, it was a grievous showoff.
And graciously have I answered it,
By calling the whole thing off.

Here I come to speak at Efflux’s funeral
Not for its praise
Monika is my faculty
Faithful and just to IBS
But the committee says the issue was too ambitious
And the committee is so obedient and gracious.

I come here not to reverse what Monika screwed up.
Here I am to speak on what I do know,
That you all loved Efflux,
Now all packed up.

What cause, I ask you, makes you mourn for Efflux?
Is it art? Culture? Vibrancy?
Forget it, these are bourgeois ideas
Long forgotten,
Since my term’s infancy.

Bear with me;
my head is in debris here
Together with Efflux
And I must pause
till it comes back to me.

Just yesterday,
the Efflux might have come out of Press
It now lies abandoned,
for it might have transgressed
all normal limits and done great harm
to all, including me.
It would have disadvantaged impressionable minds
And done the great committee wrong,
Which is, as you know,
Honourable and strong.

If you had any hopes,
Prepare to shed them now.
Remember how my face flushed with red
When the first issue came on show?
With it, Monika had so unkindly knock’d
At the doors of HO.

Ingratitude,
more strong than a traitor’s arms
Quite angered me
and burst all my plans.
And this 5 year special issue
Was the unkindest stab
of all. She was trying to grab
a piece of sunlight while
my position was drab?

How can that be,
Don’t you get it?
The leader’s position is always marked by greatness
Whether true or false
And let IBS be swept over by bloody
Backwardness.
(with apologies to Mark Antony and Julius Caesar)

“Cremation Speech” by Antony after Brutus has finished

Students, Faculty, countrymen,
lend me your ears:
I come to bury Efflux, not to praise him.
The evil that women
do lives after them;
The good is oft interred
Along with callous speeches;
So let it be with Efflux.
The noble Brutus
Hath told you Efflux was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Efflux answered it.

Here, under leave of Brutus and the faculty and rest of IBS –
For Brutus is an honorable man;
Come I to speak in Efflux’s funeral.
He was my Baby, Innocent and delicate
just like a new formed bud:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honorable man.

He hath brought many captive stories to home,
Stories of hope, of faith, of failures, of despair
Stories which, tored your heart apart
Stories which made you laugh so hard
Stories which made you feel proud
Stories which told you how to conduct
Did this in Efflux seem ambitious?
When that the students had cried, Efflux hath wept.
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honorable man.

You all did see that on the Lupercal
King presented Monika Examination Coordinator’s crown,
At other stance a Seminar’s honorary gown
Least did he present a chamber close to him
Which she did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honorable man.


I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.

You all did love Efflux once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
Harmless Efflux has been strangulated to death
Inspired by a baseless conspiracy theory
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason! Bear with me;

My heart is in the coffin there with Efflux,
And I must pause till it come back to me.
(With a very heavy heart and disgust for the king)

“Cremation Speech”